You Just Realized You’re an Adult Child of Emotionally Immature Parents: Three Things You Can Do Right Now
Nicole Nelson, LPC-MHSP
If you just realized you’re an adult child of emotionally immature parents, you’re probably feeling a lot right now. Maybe you just took our quiz and you’re shocked by your score. Maybe you read Dr. Lindsay Gibson’s book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents and everything clicked. No matter how the pieces came together, the realization tends to land like a bomb. One minute you’re living your normal life, the next you’re replaying your whole childhood and wondering what was real. You might feel relief that you finally have some answers that don’t all point to you being the problem, grief for the parent you wish you had, or anger at learning that it wasn’t okay to be treated like you were.
Another common reaction is immediate pressure to do something. Maybe it’s a desire to have a huge conversation and see if you can make everything okay with your parents. Maybe you feel so angry you want to cut them off. Or maybe shame is making you feel like you should have known how to set a boundary years ago and you need to start today.
You don’t have to do anything with this information yet. In fact, it may do more harm than good to act immediately. The realization itself is enough work. Instead of jumping to action, read below for three things you can try first.
1. Allow yourself to feel
This sounds simple, but most people naturally skip this step. It’s difficult to sit still with painful emotions instead of jumping to fix them. You don’t have to understand the feeling, logic it away, or tell yourself you’re being dramatic. Try to just notice what emotions come up and see if you can feel them in your body. This can take time and feel difficult to access if you’ve never tried it before, but it’s the practice of trying that helps you feel the emotions.
If you feel an impulse (that isn’t a fixing action) try to honor it in a safe way. If you’re angry and just want to scream about the injustices, let yourself talk through them out loud, as angrily as you feel. If you’re hurt, you can honor that by listening to a sad song that now lands in a different way for you.
2. Take inventory of what you need most
Once the initial wave settles a little, ask yourself a different question than the one you are used to asking. Instead of "what should I do," try "what do I need right now."
Talk to someone who gets it
Honor that you don’t want to talk to anyone at all
Call in sick for family dinner tonight (just because you need a moment, not because you’re making a big choice about what the relationship will look like moving forward)
Find reddit threads with childhood stories you relate to
Give yourself permission to take one night off of answering your mom’s texts (tell her you’re working late or going to bed early if you need to; this is about what you need, not what you “should” do now that you know certain dynamics aren’t healthy)
Order delivery instead of cooking
Zone out with video games or a good book
You get to honor what you need right now, and if you don’t know what that is, that’s okay too. Remember that this step isn’t about what you “should” do, it’s about being extra kind to yourself after a huge revelation.
Nicole Nelson, LPC-MHSP is a therapist for adults navigating unhealthy family dynamics including enmeshment, difficulty setting boundaries, and parentification. She works in person in Nashville and on telehealth across Tennessee.
3. Be gentle with yourself
This one matters more than you may think, because for a lot of people, this realization changes how they move through the world. You might start noticing things you never saw before. Little moments from childhood that suddenly make sense. Things you always thought were normal that you are now realizing were not. Those mini realizations keep coming, and they can knock the wind out of you each time.
So be kind to yourself while that happens. This may be extra challenging if your emotionally immature parent never tended to your pain with care. You’re learning in real time what that looks and feels like. If you need time or space, take it. If you need to ignore this bombshell and hang out with your family like nothing has changed, that is okay too. You are not a bad person for not being ready and you’re not a fool for not seeing this sooner. A fish doesn’t know they’re swimming in water and a child doesn’t know they’re in an unhealthy family dynamic until one day they do.
That is it. Those are the three things. Feel your feelings. Notice what you need. Be gentle with yourself. The boundaries, the conversations, the decisions, those all come later, and you will be ready for them when they do. For today, this is enough.
There’s no need to grind through this alone.
Chances are, this next season will be filled with mini-revelations, memories seen through a new lens, and emotions that feel too big to hold. It’s a lot to navigate on your own and a therapist who specializes in Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents can make a huge difference in your healing process. Getting support isn’t a condemnation of your parents, it’s a chance to finally tend to your own needs after they’ve been unmet for so long.
If you’re in Tennessee and looking for support:
Learn more about Nicole, who works with clients healing from emotionally immature parents.
Book your free 15-minute consultation or a full appointment using our easy online scheduling tool
Contact Healing House to schedule your free phone consultation or first session
